indispensible advice from Mrs. Edo-san

and

the entertaining evesdropping of Loose Talk

Educated Answers to Tokyo's Most Oft-Asked Questions

Sachiko "Mrs. Edo-san" Edogawa is on loan to Previat magazine and the good people of Moscow. In return, Ms. Greta Golvatanik, former Director of the U.S.S.R.'s People's Committee on Good Manners, is here to favor out Tokyo questions with her own brand of uncommon and qualified wisdom.

Q:Recently on the Inokashira Line, I noticed a school girl who was sporting the "sweat sock at half calf" look remove a pink canister from her bag and actually paste the socks to her legs! Is this a common practice or was this girl an isolated nut case?
--K.T.

A: A: I am told that the product you are referring to is one called Sock Touch(TM), an adhesive designed specifically to keep socks up. I should also like to point out that, while this may be a Japanese innovation, we Russians invented the concept. Joseph Stalin, who couldn't stand girls with socks bunched at the ankles, was a strong advocate of something called the Sock Staple(TM). It never really caught on, though, as it was rather uncomfortable.

A: Fear not. The deer required emergency care, but has since recovered. The veterinarian bill came to Y1,220,010 and I took the liberty of providing the zoo authorities with your complete name and address so that they contact you and allow you to fully make amends. I have also informed police and animal protection officials who will assist you in not making such mistakes in the future. You can stop worrying, comrade Tsutomu Hasegawa. Greta has done her duty as a citizen and a humanitarian.

A: I agree with you. In my day we stood in line for hours for a little wax. Your "friends" are making a tremendous waste of something that could better be used in a casserole.

You can also email questions straight to Mrs. Edo-san's desk - but make sure you state clearly in the subject line that your mail is for Mrs. Edo-san, or somone else in the office might read it, and we wouldn't want that, now would we.

"I was frustrated because I never could achieve my sales quota. I always set fires to structures with no one inside, but I knew some day I'd burn a building with people in it. I'm glad they caught me."
Arsonist and former car salesman Nobuharu Takagi, 39, who set 101 fires in four years (causing Y968 million in damage) before his arrest in June 1995>

"The United States is a fair country. I can't believe they'd do something like that."
Toyota President Hiroshi Okuda on reports of the CIA eavesdropping on talks between Japanese automakers and MITI

"We have no intention of saving executives and financial institutions that are too far gone to help. Comparing them to ships, I'd have to say, `Let them sink.' "
Minister of Finance Masayoshi Takemura on problems in Japan's finance industry

"Now I keep the curtains closed."
Housewife, after finding out people could see the cookies on her dining room table from the Fukuoka Tower.

"Saying nuclear tests are bad and you're going to sign the test ban treaty, but then going ahead with tests until the treaty is signed is like saying you know shoplifting is wrong but you'll do it until a law is passed making it a crime."
Sakigake Party chief Hidemasa Tanaka on France's attitude toward nuclear tests

"Aum made war on this country and its citizens. So if there was something illegal about police actions in the case, change the law."
A Setagaya salaryman on the legalities of the Aum case

"He's never looked after a single youngster. He's like a plant raised by hydroponics: his roots aren't firmly sunk into the ground."
LDP string-puller Seiroku Kajiyama on Ryutaro Hashimoto, the party's new secretary-general

"It's inhuman. Are you beasts? U.S. soldiers, don't become monsters. Don't do those beastly things."
Chizu Akamine, head of the Okinawa Prefecture Women's Federation, on the alleged rape of an elementary-school girl by U.S. military personnel

"I have to confess I shed a tear when I saw how happy the people of Kobe were that we won."
Orix star Ichiro on winning the pennant

"I know who the MITI minister is--Ryutaro Hashimoto. He's my daddy's boss. But the prime minister has changed since I memorized his name in school, so I don't know."
Uno Kanda, "talent," girlfriend of Yakult Swallows pitcher Kazuhisa Ishii, and daughter of a MITI official

"I won't die. I'm the immortal Michi. I'll die seven times and return from the dead eight."
The late Michio Watanabe, LDP leader, on his health