indispensible advice from Mrs. Edo-san

and

the entertaining evesdropping of Loose Talk

Educated Answers to Tokyo's Most Oft-Asked Questions

Our own Sachiko Edogawa is still in Moscow as part of an exchange program arranged by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. We are honored once again to present Ms. Greta Golvatanik, former Director of the U.S.S.R.'s People's Committee on Good Manners, to guide us in her absence.

Q: I was told some years ago that rice paper sheets used in the ornamental doors and windows of traditional Japanese homes are frequently replaced, and so I developed a party routine in which I'd stick my head through them, sort of like Porky Pig does in those Warner Bros. cartoons. A friend, however, has recently been insisting that Tokyoites aren't in the habit of repapering their room dividers every time they clean house. Have I been unduly inconveniencing my hosts? --E.R.

A: Yes, you have. It took me only one phone call to discover that the repapering process is very expensive and most families do it just once a year, ahead of the New Year holidays. Your behavior has been troublesome, but understandable. Mrs. Edo's home has a lot of these artificial windows and I've found that poking holes in them can be quite amusing, particularly after a few glasses of vodka.

Q: Could you tell me exactly what sexual harassment is? I used the term once to my boss and he scolded me and insisted I enroll in a night course entitled Recognizing Harassment. I have found out since that the boss will be my instructor and I the only student. Do I really have to go through this in order to understand? --S.T.

A: No, comrade, you don't. There is a simple rule: if a man has his hands on your breasts and he doesn't have your permission, it's harassment. Report any infractions immediately to both the chairman of the board and two separate government or civil institutions, as I did when a co-worker "accidentally" touched me in an elevator and the man was sent to Siberia. Now, no one fondles me. Ever.

Q: The Japanese words "shi" and "ku" (meaning four and nine) are feared and despised since they're homonymous with death and suffering. Many buildings are without a 4th, 9th, 14th or 19th floor and many hotels have no room 104, 109, 114, 140 etc.--so dreaded are those unlucky shis and kus. Yet what is Tokyo made of? Why nothing more that 27 shis and 23 kus!! Wrong or right!! --B.G.

A: Right. And neither 27 nor 23 contains an unlucky number. There is no problem. You must now relax.

Send your questions to Ms. Greta Golvatanik, c/o Mrs. Edo-san, Tokyo Journal, Iga Dai-ni Bldg., 2-5-3 Shibuya, Shibuya-ku, Tokyo 150, or fax them to +81 - 3 - 3486-7341.

You can also email questions straight to Mrs. Edo-san's desk - but make sure you state clearly in the subject line that your mail is for Mrs. Edo-san, or somone else in the office might read it, and we wouldn't want that, now would we.

"The prime minister should [sign the leases for the U.S. bases in Okinawa]. The prime minister is slow in the head, which is why this has become a problem. He should stick to the law and just do it."

Defense Facilities Administration Agency Director Noboru Hokiyama on renewing the U.S. base leases. His comments got him fired

"Now maybe Ichiro won't show up in my dreams any more."

Yakult Swallows catcher Atsuya Furuta after the Swallows won the Japan Series

"I didn't dream of Furuta even once."

Orix Blue Wave outfielder Ichiro when he heard of Furuta's dreams

"Compared to the three million Japanese that the Americans killed, the Tokyo subway nerve gas attack was very, very minor."

Aum guru Shoko Asahara's defense attorney Shoji Yokoyama

"I got the AIDS virus because of the Ministry of Health and Welfare. . . . It wasn't a mistake, it was mass murder. And it's just as grievous as what Aum did."

Hemophiliac Ryuhei Kawada, who contracted HIV from contaminated blood products imported under authorization from the MHW

"He's little more than a puppet."

A Ministry of Foreign Affairs official on PM Murayama's handling of the Okinawa incident

"You didn't give me any melon or ice cream or instant ramen, and you're going to regret it."

Aum guru Shoko Asahara to his police interrogators in jail

"I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I slugged my French friend. He looked very sad and said I was the third person to do that. But he didn't get mad. Now I'm sorry."

A young, female company employee answering a questionnaire about the French nuclear tests

"I didn't know the American rule that we had to report the incident as soon as we found out about it, and neither did any of the bank's directors."

Daiwa Bank Vice President Toshiro Kawakami at a press conference on the bank's being ousted from the U.S. for covering up losses. The reporters snickered

"I'm sorry I can't go, but the Diet's in session. And I talked to Prime Minister Rabin just the other day anyway."

PM Murayama on why he would not attend the funeral of assassinated Israeli Prime Minister Yitzak Rabin

"If you act like a saint all your life, you'll be a saint."

Shoko Asahara