TOKYO JOURNAL

indispensible advice from Mrs. Edo-san

and

the entertaining evesdropping of Loose Talk

ASK MRS. EDO-SAN

Educated Answers to Tokyo's Most Oft-Asked Questions

Our own Sachiko Edogawa is still in Moscow as part of an exchange program arranged by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. We are honored once again to present Ms. Greta Golvatanik, former Director of the U.S.S.R.'s People's Committee on Good Manners, to guide us in her absence.

Q: Can you tell me how to go about picking up girls on the Tokyo trains? I've heard that it was easy, but haven't had much luck.--S.W.

A: Neither have I. Most seem unimpressed by either sophisticated pick-up lines or fine Russian caviar. I suggest you keep trying, though. You should do better if you are a man.

Q: The land on which my demolished home had stood shifted two meters during a recent earthquake. Unaware of this, I rebuilt it from the original base up. Now the city government is asking me to move my house back to where it was before. I don't want to. What should I do? --M.I.

A: The answer to your question is obvious: you must comply with the reasonable and informed decisions of your government. I realize that pushing your house back two meters might appear to be something of an inconvenience. But do it anyway. Think of the poor city officials. It's a lot of trouble for them to change all those maps.

Q: My fiancee took a week-long vacation in Okinawa and assured me when she got back that she hadn't been to any night spots or discos. But then I found an incriminating shirt in her drawer that reads "Marine Resort Kids Let's Southern Island Go Go Coconut Club"--as clear as the sun in the sky. Should I break up with the little liar or just cheat on her and forget about it? --E.D.

A: While it is true that many of the young so-called ladies who populate this city are nothing but morally corrupt prima donnas, you have no evidence that your bride-to-be actually visited the Coconut establishment. She might have found the shirt in the street, she might have stolen it so that she'd have money to buy other useless consumables, it might have been payment for sex. In any event, I would not do anything rash on the basis of a single souvenir as she may still be the pick of the litter.

Q: My daughter asked me where the head ended and the tail began on our pet snake. I told her that snakes are actually tails with faces. I never liked snakes anyway. Did I do the right thing? --G.R.

A: No you didn't. Your explanation suggests that snakes have no bodies. You are polluting your daughter's education with your own anti-snake propaganda. Tell your daughter stories about fictional creatures like unicorns. Leave the job of educating her to the state.

Our own Sachiko "Mrs. Edo-san" Edogawa will return next month with her unique and tasteful blend of warmth, wit and wisdom. Thanks to Greta, the former Director of the U.S.S.R.'s People's Committee on Good Manners, for filling in during her absence. Das we Danya--it's truly been . . . an experience.

Start sending those questions again to Mrs. Edo-San c/o Tokyo Journal, Iga Dai-ni Bldg., 2-5-3 Shibuya, Shibuya-ku, Tokyo 150, fax 3486-7341, or e-mail edosan@teleparc.infoweb.or.jp

You can also email questions straight to Mrs. Edo-san's desk - but make sure you state clearly in the subject line that your mail is for Mrs. Edo-san, or somone else in the office might read it, and we wouldn't want that, now would we.

LOOSE TALK

"To tell the truth, I'd like to get Ichiro's autograph."
Akira Ogi, manager of Ichiro Suzuki's team, the Orix Blue Wave

"The government is sacrificing Okinawa for the happiness of the rest of Japan. I'd like to refuse it all. I'd like to ask the prime minister if he really thinks Okinawa is part of Japan."
Okinawan governor Masahide Ota, who is working to reduce American bases on Okinawa

"The top echelon of the Football Association of Japan is rotten. Naganuma (chairman) and Kawabuchi (deputy chairman) are liars. They're rotten mikan. (mandarin oranges)."
Kawasaki Verdy manager Nelson Baptista Junior, who until the very last minute was supposed to have become manager of Japan's national soccer team

"I only have one thing to say. Put the criminals in jail until they die."
Letter from the Okinawan girl raped by U.S. servicemen to the judge at their trial

"Yes. Thanks to Ichiro."
Koichiro Fujii, a Nissan director, attributing the company's booming sales to Ichiro's appearance in its commercials

"If we want to control AIDS, why don't we consider legalizing prostitution?"
Masashi Matsumoto, head of the public sanitation section of the Osaka prefectural government

"I don't want the money. I want friends. But if I don't treat them, they never come around. I just want friends."
Junior high school girl to her father when he discovered her stealing money. She later jumped to her death from a nearby high-rise apartment building

"It took us five years to develop that product. Now it's getting a little popular, the government wants to up taxes. Why did we go to all that trouble, anyway?"
Fumiya Iwasaki, director of Sapporo Beer, on the planned tax hike for low-malt beer

"Don't make any deals with the prosecutors. You'll be signing my death warrant if you do."
Dietman Toshio Yamaguchi to his lawyer

"Be sure to wash your hands after using the computers."
Company bulletin posted after someone found that all the computers were infected by viruses

"None. But everyone else is buying Windows 95, so I thought I'd better."
Purchaser of Windows 95 when asked which model of computer he owned

"Don't you have Windows for Macintosh?"
Customer to an Akihabara salesperson

"White people's body temperatures are higher than Japanese, and the hotel goes by the U.S. manual, so the room temperatures are set low. Every Japanese who stays there will catch cold."
Author Yasuo Tanaka commenting on the Four Seasons Hotel Chinzanso Tokyo, ranked fourth among Japan's top 100

"Probably not in my lifetime."
Shu Kamo, manager of the national soccer team, on when Japan's team would reach international levels