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indispensible advice from Mrs. Edo-san

and

the entertaining evesdropping of Loose Talk



ASK MRS. EDO-SAN

Educated Answers to Tokyo's Most Oft-Asked Questions



Q: When I'm trying to move through a dense crowd, old ladies always poke me in the back--just to the side of my lumbar region. Do these women really think that doing this will help me to move any faster? Or are they getting some sort of secret sensual pleasure from the activity?
--A.H.

A: No doubt you come from a culture which does not employ "the nudge" and will find it unpleasant until you adjust. Try to keep in mind that this gesture is simply a local form of non-verbal communication and carries no malicious intent. It is just the nudger's way of politely communicating, "I understand that there is nowhere for you to go, but I wish that you were gone anyway."


Q: What would happen if an immovable Nakano Sun Plaza was struck by an unstoppable Yamanote train?
--T.F.

A: Each month I receive a lot more queries like yours than I would like--unanswerable philosophical inquests that have been thinly disguised as Tokyo-related questions. Would you people PLEASE respect the limits of this column and STOP writing in with impossible inquiries like "Is there sumo in outer space," "How many Tokyoite angels could fit on the head of a pin," and "What is the molecular structure of kamaboko"?!?!? I have no idea. Give me a break.


Q: Will the restrooms in heaven have western toilets or will they be the traditional squat kind?
--E.L.

A: Traditional. With separate facilities for men and women.




Send your questions to Mrs. Edo-san, c/o Tokyo Journal, Iga Dai-ni Bldg., 2-5-3 Shibuya, Shibuya-ku, Tokyo 150, or fax them to +81 - 3 - 3486-7341.

You can also email questions straight to Mrs. Edo-san's desk - but make sure you state clearly in the subject line that your mail is for Mrs. Edo-san, or somone else in the office might read it, and we wouldn't want that, now would we.




LOOSE TALK


"Someone's always watching us baseball players. I'd like to have dates like a normal 21-year-old. I'd like to fart in public. But I guess I'll just have to put it all off for a while."

Orix Blue Wave heartthrob Ichiro on the perils of popularity


"If I was him, I'd have cut open my stomach and died on the spot when they tried to arrest me."

Shoko Asahara's older brother on the short-comings of his sibling


"The trade surplus is a simple matter. Japanese products are good, so they sell. Imports aren't, so they don't. The difference is our trade surplus."

Suguru Mizuno, a 71-year-old resident of Meguro-ku, on the balance of payments


"He spread sarin throughout the city government."

Ex-Tokyo governor Shunichi Suzuki speaking metaphorically on how Aoshima killed his World Urban Expo pet project


"They're already sorry."

L.A. Dodger's tornado pitcher Hideo Nomo on how the Kintetsu Buffaloes feel about letting him go


"Then how did I get through with my Swiss Army knife?"

A passenger to a flight attendant, after asking her if airport security was really doing its job


"No, but don't hijack the plane."

The same flight attendant to the passenger's query on whether she'd like to see the knife


"Every Japanese that goes through the educational system has been subject to it. We're all up in arms about Aum's mind control tactics, but we should realize that we, too, have been subjected to mind control."

Misao Miyamoto, former bureaucrat and author of "The Japanese Bureaucracy."


"Most reports have no basis in fact, but that's one of the prices you pay for being famous."

Osaka Governor Knock Yokoyama on how the media treats him


"One human life is heavier than the entire earth."

Late PM Takeo Fukuda when he released Red Army prisoners in exchange for passengers set free by hijackers in Dacca, 1977




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