indispensible advice from Mrs. Edo-san

and

the entertaining evesdropping of Loose Talk

Educated Answers to Tokyo's Most Oft-Asked Questions

Q:I own a bicycle which I ride to and from the station, for shopping, etc.; and I happen to be black. I am constantly being stopped by cops--who are sure that I must have stolen my bike--sometimes as often as four times a week. Once when I rode by a Denny's, a policeman actually threw down his sandwich and jumped out the window to flag me down. Is there any way I can prevent them from hassling me, or at the very least cut down on the time required to check my registration?
--E.S.

A: If you don't already carry your registration receipt with you, do so. You might also speed things up by calling out answers to questions before they're asked--"Yes, it's my bicycle. Yes, I bought it myself." Finally, the same simple mentality that tells many officers to pull you over can be used to your advantage: I know one African gentleman who's eliminated the stop checks simply by painting the characters for "Not Stolen" on the side of his vehicle. Policemen think in very basic terms.

A: There is reason for concern. Certain chemical innovations may have commercial potential, but I see little practical value in a potion that can only shrivel ants. You need to bring your husband back to reality. Dry his delicate sweaters and shirts at a warm setting so they'll shrink. Serve him cat-sized meal portions. Replace tables and chairs with miniature cardboard cut-outs. If he doesn't get the idea, you may have a problem.

A: No comment.

Next week I leave on a two-month cultural exchange trip to Tokyo's sister city of Moscow as part of a program arranged by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Filling my shoes will be Ms. Greta Golvatanik, a respected Russian advice columnist and ex-director of the People's Committee For Good Manners in the former Soviet Union.

During my absence, kindly direct your questions to Ms. Golvatanik and, if you wouldn't mind, refrain from confusing her with inane or tasteless queries such as the one immediately above (printed only as an illustration). Simpler Tokyo questions might be best at first, since it may take her some time to adjust. You may ask her what the bumpy yellow lines are on sidewalks and train platforms--that's an easy one to check. Or query about the times and day of the week that the road is closed off outside of Yoyogi park.

I will be back in the February issue, with a fresh, new and hopefully more international perspective which I hope to apply to all of your problems. In the meantime, keep your troubles brief and simple. I'll talk to you soon. Dasverdanya, comrades!

Send your questions to Ms. Greta Golvatanik, c/o Mrs. Edo-san, Tokyo Journal, Iga Dai-ni Bldg., 2-5-3 Shibuya, Shibuya-ku, Tokyo 150, or fax them to +81 - 3 - 3486-7341.

You can also email questions straight to Mrs. Edo-san's desk - but make sure you state clearly in the subject line that your mail is for Mrs. Edo-san, or somone else in the office might read it, and we wouldn't want that, now would we.

"India didn't agree with me. I was ready to leave . . . and then I ate two umeboshi (salted plums) I'd brought along. I was better immediately. We Japanese must have our umeboshi."
Actor Ken Ogata on a trip to India

"A man about to become prime minister is not going to worry about a woman or two in his past. I'm not saying he should get whatever he can . . . virtue is best, of course . . . but in Japanese politics things just don't go that way."
Political commentator Hirotatsu Fujiwara on LDP President and heart-throb Ryutaro Hashimoto

"Japan's Nobel Prize winner shouldn't stay home to protest. He should go to France, stand up, and make his opposition known."
Beat Takeshi on Kenzaburo Oe's refusal to attend a symposium in France because of the country's nuclear test program

"I found my husband was not worthy of our trust. The earthquake not only destroyed our home, it shattered our marriage."
Woman whose husband ran out of the house during the Hanshin earthquake, leaving her behind

"No one wants to read a book about Japanese chess by me. But this [her nude photo album] people will pick up . . . maybe even take overseas."
Shogi master Naoko Hayashi on her recent publishing venture

"Adults tell you not to interrupt, but they always do."
Second-grader on her elders

"We waited until Megumi was in the bath, because we knew she would be too shy to try to escape naked."
Tatsuhiro Boku, 29, who set fire to his home to collect life insurance on his common-law wife's 11-year-old daughter

"I would kill if the master [Asahara] ordered me to. I'll tell you, Aum is scarier than the yakuza."
Toshihiro Ouchi, Aum executive

"So France is wrong. Does that mean Chanel and Louis Vuitton have committed crimes?"
A 29-year-old salary man on boycotting French goods

"They fit real comfortably. Great to wear around the house."
Female model Sayuri Okano on the popularity among women of Triumph's new one-piece underwear for men